


Real Life Is Scary As Hell

by IshipALMOSTeverything (lizzielula05)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Porn Watching, Attempt At Awkward Humour, Awkwardness, Because I Can't Not, Dean Is Geeky, Embarrassment, Forced Vegetarianism, Gen, Mentions of Sabriel, Not really though, Periods, Star Trek - Freeform, Swearing, Time Zones, Underage Porn Watching, Vampires, Vampires Stealing Humans, girl stuff, idfk, mentions of Destiel, nothing graphic, teenage girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8230979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzielula05/pseuds/IshipALMOSTeverything
Summary: Sam and Dean rescue a teenage girl from vampires, then deal with her getting her first period. It gets slightly awkward. But then again, it's just normal human stuff, piece of cake compared to what the Winchesters usually deal with, right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first off, no one asked for this, but I wanted to write it. So I did, and it came out weird. Whatever, read it, don't read it, do what you want but I like it.

"Six months, six months those bastards kept me there."

Dean looked in the rear view mirror at the owner of the voice piping up from the backseat of his Impala. A girl of about thirteen sat there, currently wearing Sam's jacket over her own threadbare clothes. 

"Since I was twelve years old." She added, shaking her head in disbelief. 

Dean made a noise of agreement in the back of his throat. 

"I mean they treated me good but that doesn't matter much when you're not allowed to leave." 

Sam nodded his head, despite the fact that she couldn't see him do this. 

"It's alright I guess, I mean it's not like I had any family to miss, sons of bitches stole me right outta the orphanage."

"Hey, language." Dean muttered halfheartedly. Sam looked at him sideways questioningly, Dean just shrugged. 

"Sorry." The girl said, "those sons of female dogs swore around me all the time."

Sam half smiled at her new word choice, but still both brothers were at a loss for words. 

They had purged a nest of vamps in an abandoned house, just a standard op, at least it had been until a tired sounding girl behind Dean had asked "What the hell is going on here?" whilst still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. 

On instinct Dean had swung around, blade in hand, and nearly took her head off. 

"Shit!!!" She yelled, dropping to the ground, "I'm human, dipshit!"

"Sorry." Said Dean, stunned and awkwardly lowering his blade. 

She nonchalantly stepped over a headless vampire and peeked her head into the living where Sam had taken care of the other two. They were young and fairly easy to take down.  
Sam was a pretty picture in the middle of the gory scene, breathing heavily, a rather large knife in each hand and covered in blood. 

"Suppose, you two are hunters?" 

"Uh, yeah." Sam answered, looking at the young girl quizzically, then up to Dean for answers. 

"She's human." Dean mouthed behind her back. Sam's jaw clenched and he nodded once

"I'm Kari."

There was a moment of silent tension. 

"And you are?"

"Oh uh, Sam."

"Dean."

"Winchester." They added in unison. 

"My heroes." She said drily. 

Once they established she was physically fine, other than a bandage on her wrists and neck, Sam and Dean had a quick and hushed conversation while she sat inside the car, peering interestedly at them through the window. 

"I don't think this is quite the same as Alex's situation, she didn't seem to have an emotional attachment to any of them." Sam said. 

"No, so she was just an easy meal? Not like an adopted kid?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Good, because that is so fucked up."

"Agreed."

"So you think Jody would take her?"

"Probably, it's a good excuse to drop in too, we haven't seen her in a while."

"Okay I'll just give her a call them." Sam took out his phone and started going through the contacts until Dean grabbed his arm and forced it downwards. 

"Time zones, Sammy, it'll be like midnight in Sioux Falls."

"So tomorrow." Sam said, putting his cell phone back in his pocket.

"Yes, and at a reasonable hour, til then the kid can just hang with us I guess."

The drive to the hotel was a long one. The girl was a complete chatterbox, as though this were an everyday occurrence. 

After talking nonstop for about 15 minutes she seemed to get the message and grew quiet. About 5 minutes after that she muttered an apology along the lines of "Sorry for talking so much, those vampires never talked to me, they told me to shut up or just looked at me like they were surprised I could even speak."

After that Sam made an honest attempt at friendly conversation, but Dean was biting back his rage at those fucking monsters. 

When they arrived Dean slammed the door and stomped up to hotel, not even looking back. 

"What's up with him?" Asked Kari as she exited the car and stood beside Sam, watching Dean's retreating figure with some concern. 

"Did I say something wrong, or is he always like that?" 

"Not always," said Sam thoughtfully, "believe it or not he's very sensitive."

The girl grinned at Sam like she'd known him all her life. 

"You're funny." She remarked. 

I was being serious, thought Sam but he didn't say that aloud, he just smiled back and started walking with her to the hotel. 

 

"This is the best food I've ever had in forever." Said the girl, who'd been moaning increasingly loudly with each bite. 

"Didn't they feed you?" Sam asked, they being the vampires. 

"Well yeah but they said my blood was purer or whatever when I didn't eat meat, so I was basically a vegetarian. Rabbit food." She said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. 

Dean nodded at her approvingly with a mouth full of fried chicken.

 

"I haven't watched t.v. in forever either." She said, sighing happily as she put her plate aside and leaned forward to put her chin in her hands, enraptured by the screen. 

"What is this show?" She asked innocently. 

"It's Star Trek." Dean said, the "it's obvious" heavily implied in his tone. 

"Okay." She said shrugging, the explanation meaning nothing to her. 

Dean shot Sammy an are-you-fucking kidding-me-with-this-she-seriously-doesn't-know-what-Star-Trek-is-I-wish-I-could-bring-those-sons-of-bitches-back-to-life-just-to-kill-them-again-look. Sam got the message and shook his head exasperatedly. 

"It's pretty cool." She added. 

Dean nodded in approval once more before launching into a highly animated and fairly one-sided conversation on the awesomeness of Star Trek, on how the old series was the best, the movies ruined Spock and how strongly he identified with Captain Kirk. 

Sam listened without interruption, accepting his brothers not often seen geekiness, and Kari was absolutely spellbound by every word, occasionally interjecting with a "wow" or a "no way!" to which Dean would always respond by looking her straight in the eyes and giving a deadly serious "yes way." before continuing on.

It was only when Dean adopted a highly exaggerated Captain voice that Sam remarked they should probably head to bed. 

"But I'm not tired." Dean sulked, stifling a yawn. 

"I am actually pretty tired." Said Kari. "I'll be back in a minute." She disappeared into the bathroom. 

"You are such a child." Sam half yelled as soon as a distinct click was heard from the door. 

"Shut up." Came the expected reply, but Dean was still a tiny bit proud. 

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

They exchanged shoves before settling down and watching the show. Once, Dean glanced fondly towards the bathroom door. He was starting to like this kid. 

"I'm gonna head out, grab some more beer."  
Said Dean about five minutes later. 

"Yeah, okay." Said Sam, not even looking back as Dean grabbed his cell phone and jacket and headed out the door. 

"Be back in twenty." Dean said as he exited the room. 

Not a minute later a distinct "What the hell?!" was heard from the inside the bathroom. 

Sam whipped his head around, frowning at the door. 

"Kari? You okay?" He asked. 

"Um yeah, I'm totally," she said in a high falsetto voice before switching gears mid-sentence, "No, no I'm not fine, Sam I'm bleeding, I didn't cut myself or anything, what's wrong with me? Am I dying?"

She sounded close to tears. 

Sam rushed to the closed door. 

"Kari, relax okay? Don't panic, where are you bleeding." 

There was a moment of silence as she shifted uncomfortably, trying to decide how best to phrase the answer. 

"Uh, like, down there, you know like THAT place."

Sam took a second to process this information before, oh, OH, he was so not equipped to deal with this. 

"Uh, Kari, relax, you're not dying."  
There was relief and anxiousness in his voice. He was thankful she wasn't cursed or anything but, you know, curses he knew how to handle. This? Maybe not so much. 

"I'm not?" She asked, her voice muffled through the door. "Then what's wrong with me?"

Reconsidering that phone call, despite the hour, Sam dialled Jody's number, it rang once, twice, then another nine or so times before he gave up. He didn't call again, not wanting to worry her with two missed calls, he'd just have to take care of this as best he could. 

 

Dean was halfway back from the liquor store when his cellphone rang. Expecting the worst, he pulled over and flipped it open. 

"What's up?" He asked grimly. 

"We have a problem." 

"I figured as much." Dean grunted. Sam's tone worried him, he sounded shaken, it took a lot to phase a seasoned hunter like his brother. 

"It's about Kari." 

Deans stomach twisted, he hoped to hell that girl was okay. There was silence on the other end. 

"Well don't keep me in fucking suspense." He barked. "How bad is it? She dead?"

"What? No, nothing like that." 

"Well then what the hell?" Asked Dean, relieved but getting impatient. 

"It's, not like an our kind of thing problem, it's like a regular person kind of problem."

"Well how bad could that be?"

15 minutes later Dean was entering the local convenience store, slightly jealous of his father for never having to deal with these things. 

His head was reluctant but his feet eventually carried him to an aisle marked feminine hygiene. 

He turned around in disbelief, five fucking shelves of this stuff. How many options do women need?!

His head was reeling as he tried to apply his limited knowledge of periods to the multitude of options staring him in the face. 

Virgins aren't supposed to use tampons, right?  
Do the colours on the boxes mean anything?  
How did sizes work?  
Why the fuck did some of them have wings?!

He stood there feeling completely lost and waving awkwardly to strangers passing the aisle and giving him sympathetic looks before a saleswoman mercifully poked her head around the corner. 

"You need a hand, sweetheart?"

"Yes!" Dean said before realizing how desperate and panicky his voice sounded. He cleared his throat.  
"Uh, yeah thanks."

She smiled sympathetically before coming over to assist him. Dean glared at two other uniform clad women, giggling at his predicament a little ways away. How long had they been watching him suffer?

"So what do you need, hon?"

"I don't really know, uh what would you get a thirteen year old?"

"Oh, you got a first timer, eh? I should have figured as much. I guessed you for having a demanding girlfriend but you do look the fatherly type now that I really look at ya, you just got a way about you, son." She said as she expertly searched through the shelves. 

Dean swelled with pride and gratitude at this compliment and decided not to address the fact that he was not actually Kari's or anyone else's father, his only reason being it would make for a more awkward conversation, that was the only reason. 

His face felt suspiciously warm as he just replied with a "yeah." and he resisted the urge to press a hand to his cheek. 

"Well she'll probably wanna start with these."

She handed him a small, white unassuming package. With a maternal smile and an encouraging pat on the arm, she made her way back to complete the trio of giggling shop ladies, presumably to gossip more about him. 

It was suppressed laughter that they waved at him all friendly like as he made his way out of the aisle. He smiled half passive aggressively and half with real gratitude and refused to acknowledge the warmth in his face. 

On impulse he grabbed an entire apple pie as he passed the bakery section on his way to the checkout, and a box of girly chocolates that were sitting neatly stacked on a wire rack. 

He glared obstinately at the sales clerk, just daring her to make a comment, she had the nerve to ask he if he needed a bag. Yes he wanted a fucking bag. 

"Real fucking smooth, Winchester." He muttered as he entered the beloved safe haven of his car. He pulled down the visor and was doubly embarrassed to find legitimately his entire face was flaming red. 

"Get it together, for Spock's sake. " He said to himself as he started the ignition. 

Dean arrived at the hotel room, trying to shake off the humiliation. He chortled when he saw his brother, dozing off, with his face plastered against the bathroom door. 

"Sammy." Dean called softly as he crouched down beside his brother. 

"Hmm, Gabe." His brother mumbled, looking annoyed, like a fly was buzzing around his head. 

Okay, what the fuck? Dean drew back, thoroughly weirded out. "Sam, get up."

Sam jerked awake and looked around confusedly for a second. 

"Dean? I thought you were, I was having a weird dream about, uh, never mind."

"Are you guys still there?" Came a worried and tired sounding voice from within the bathroom. 

"Uh, yeah Kari, right here." Sam said, only too happy to get the focus of this conversation off him. "Dean got you the stuff we talked about."

"Thanks." She said as she opened the door a crack and reached out her skinny arm to take the package. 

Dean handed it to her and both brothers stood outside the door awkwardly and pretended not to hear it the plastic and paper rustling. 

"Can you guys go do something?" She asked, "I can hear you breathing and it's kind of wierding me out."

"Uh, yeah, right, no yeah."  
They both hurried to busy themselves. 

"So what exactly did you guys cover while I was gone?" Dean asked as he turned as he turned on the tv.

"Uh, not a lot. Just that she's not dying, and it's totally normal."

"She thought she was dying?"

"Yeah, she seemed pretty freaked, guess the vampires kind of neglected to teach her any human stuff."

"She was only there for six months." Dean said, turning it up in a question at the end. 

"Well you don't exactly get a top notch education at an orphanage, Dean. Not if they're anything like they were when we were kids."

Deans expression went dark and he turned away. "Anyway," he said, "there's a little more to that conversation than just "it's natural.""

Dean looked at Sam expectantly. 

"What? Dean I am not," Sam glanced toward the bathroom and lowered his voice an octave, "I am not having "the talk" with her."

"Well I'm sure as hell not doing it."  
Dean took a swig of beer, "Once was enough." He added glancing at Sam. 

Determined not to re-live that awkward memory Sam once again refused to do it. It went on back and forth for a while until Sam had the brilliant idea to do what all responsible parents do nowadays and let the Internet take care of it. 

"This should work." Sam said, pulling up a video on YouTube that seemed to fit their needs. 

"Dude, that's my laptop." Dean protested. 

"Oh relax, it's not like she's looking at your history." 

Dean opted to ignore that comment. 

It was now that Kari emerged from the bathroom. She looked pale, a little shaky and still slightly terrified. 

"You okay?" Dean asked. 

"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm good." She said, trying and failing to blow it off. 

"We thought you'd still have a lot of questions, so you can watch this if you want to." Said Sam, gesturing to the computer screen. 

"Thanks Sam." She said, sitting down and looking at it interestedly. 

"Just don't touch anything." Dean said as he reached over and and pressed play.

"Do you need us to watch it with you or anything." 

"No, that's okay."

Dean tried not to look to relieved. 

From the laptop, a cheery female voice, accompanied by childish drawings, started speaking:  
"When a mommy loves a daddy very much, they take that special, grownup love and turn into something extra special, a baby!"

Kari turned to them with raised eyebrows and pursed lips, "Seriously?"

"Sorry." Said Sam, already trying to find something slightly more age appropriate. 

"Gimme that!" Dean rolled his eyes and grabbed the laptop from his brother. 

"There you go."

Dean handed Kati back a video, this one with diagrams and technical terms and a cool, pleasant, vaguely European voice. 

She watched intently, but the brothers winced slightly every time a "technical term" was used. 

"You guys don't have to stay here, you know." She said, noticing their uncomfortableness. 

"No, no we'll stay, it's fine." Sam said stoically. 

"Unless, of course, you'd be more comfortable without us here?" Dean asked. 

"You know what? I think I would be." She said. 

The brothers exited hurriedly and waited in the hallway outside the hotel room, thankfully it was late so there was no one around to ask any questions. 

"So Gabe." Dean remarked casually.

"Pretty sure my names' Sam." Came the reply. 

"You know what I meant, you got an archangel invading your dreams, Sammy?" Dean teased. 

"You know, I was nice enough not to to mention all the times you've moaned Cas in your sleep."

That shut Dean up pretty effectively. 

Back in the room, Kari was taking in a lot of new information. She had a general sense of all this stuff but turns out there was a lot she didn't know. 

She yawned, stretching her arms out in front of her, one of her hands brushed a button on the keyboard and suddenly the sound was gone. Shit. 

She looked over the buttons desperately until she found one that kinda looked right and pressed it hesitantly. Now the video was gone. In a panic she pressed another few buttons and suddenly the sound was back and it was far too loud and a scantily clad woman appeared on the screen. 

"Sam, Dean," She yelled over the noise, "I think I messed something up.

Sam and Dean turned to the door curiously at her voice. A distinct gong noise was heard within the room. Dean turned to his brother, panic etched on every line in his face. 

Both brothers hurried inside the room, Sam told Kari not to look at the screen whilst frantically trying to exit the page. And Dean stood to the side, red faced and rambling out a half-assed explanation while wondering if this evening could possibly get any more embarrassing. Kari, who had thrown her hands up from the keyboard to convey innocence, was muttering apologies and promising not to touch anything again. 

All in all, the entire thing was a disaster. Sam made sure to clear Dean's history (and wow, really, Dean?) before returning to the video. Kari muttered something about the sound disappearing before taking the laptop back gratefully. 

Sam and Dean returned to the hallway, Dean not saying a fucking word about what just happened and Sam feeling slightly like he needed to wash his hands. 

"It's funny." Sam said. 

"What's funny?" Asked Dean, feeling at this particular moment that absolutely nothing about this was funny. 

"Kari. She stepped over dead vampires like it was nothing, then freaked out over something normal, like getting her period."

Dean considered this for a moment before replying that she already sounds like a hunter. 

"Yeah." Said Sam, giving a sort of melancholy sigh through his nose as he did so. "I guess she does." 

There was silence between them until Kari emerged from the room, like a soldier who'd seen horrible things. 

"Let's never speak of this again." She said quietly. 

"Agreed." 

The next day Sam filled in Sheriff Mills on the whole situation over the phone. She was only too happy to take her. 

When Sam got to the events in the hotel room her first reaction was concern for the girl. 

Her second one was uncontrollable laughter as Sam regaled with the details. 

Dean glared at him silently from across the room, but Sam found peace in the knowledge that Dean would probably laugh about it too someday. Probably.

**Author's Note:**

> Debated wether or not to post this for literally weeks. Late nights and poor judgement seem to have finally won, as they so often do. I'll probably delete this tomorrow and try to forget I ever wrote it.


End file.
